Honesty, Morality and Ethics

Honesty, Morality and Ethics

“You can never be as moral and ethical in any situation as you are when you are most honest about what lies in your heart.”  I gave that long-winded reply to two college contemporaries in two recent conversations.  As our paths crossed and we shared the latest news in our personal lives, these two men have difficulty resolving relational challenges with their significant others.  One must decide whether he will marry his intended.  She certainly desires nuptials.  He is not sure that his heart is telling him that marriage is the right choice.  The other gentleman possesses a heartfelt wish for reconciliation in a strained relationship.  Yet, both of them want “to do the right thing and honor our Lord in so doing.”

In addition to his girlfriend, their families encouraged the first gentleman to do the right thing by marrying her.  He feels the fires of the pressure to conform to their expectations and the social norms that accompany them.  Initially, I was tempted to agree with them and offer the weight of my pastoral office and that of the scriptures.  By the grace of God, I paused and responded with the foregoing statement.

“The right thing” emerges essentially from the depths of our hearts.  The Lord teaches us that “out of the heart flows the issues of life.”  That verse says that we cannot betray our hearts.  Whereas our egos will enable us to lie to our hearts for a time, eventually the simplicity, substance and strength of the truth that lies in our heart arise like a roaring wave.  They overshadow the shallow waters of the ego. 

In primary relationships, I submit that we are most loving and caring toward people when we are the most honest with them.  We respect their personhood and dignify their feelings with simple yet sincere honesty.  I recall two personal friendships that became relationships which were ruined by the dishonesty of my self-seeking ulterior motives and unquenchable thirst to satisfy my selfish instincts.  Most regrettably, I grew up at the expense of these two women.  These friendships should never have become relationships.  In my heart, I knew that my love for these women did not parallel their professed love for me.  I also knew that marriage was not a possibility.  Yet, I enjoyed their attention, praise, physical intimacy and gifts.  Had I been honest with them and with myself, I would have honored God by respecting them and remaining friends.  Being honest with them was the most moral and ethical thing that I could do.

Likewise for the first gentleman, if he does not desire to marry this woman in his “heart of hearts,” then he should find the strength of will and moral courage to resist the urge to appease her pressure.  He should not do her the favor of marrying her because she and her family think that it is the right thing to do.  She deserves to be loved for the unique and wonderful person she is.  She should have someone as a husband who wants deeply to share his life with her.  Her husband should be someone who appreciates the ways in which her idiosyncrasies define her personality rather being traits to avoid or characteristics that she must change.  Arguably, our eccentricities make us special rather than identify our quirks and failure to conform socially.  Nevertheless, this young lady needs a helpmate who proactively determines that he wants to travel the journey of life with her regardless of where the road leads.  My college contemporary cannot be such a man to her if he does not love her within the depths of his heart.

As it relates more specifically to my second classmate, he struggles to achieve reconciliation with a person who does not demonstrate currently that her love for him equates with his affection for her.  He painstakingly strives to win her return with faithfulness, finances, and friendship.  These most commendable deeds merely cloak his deep-seated fear that his actions may not prove worthy to win her back.  Moreover, he does not even want to articulate his fear that when he states his non-negotiable conditions for her return that she may not love him enough to meet them.  Accordingly, he faces the greater challenge of refusing to allow his fear to become larger than life.  Thereby, he would appease continually her hurtful behavior and disrespectful words.  But, in his heart, he will know eventually what the right thing is.  As he is most honest with Almighty God, himself and then her, he will find the spiritual will and personal fortitude to take the appropriate actions.

Summarily, honesty in relationships yields the most moral and ethical dealings with people.  Loving people as we love God and love ourselves necessitates that we extend to them the same consideration for their feelings, values, bodies, dreams and hope that we want for ourselves.  The “Law of love” which Jesus implements in the Sermon on the Mount surpasses the technical reading and morally questionable manipulation of the black letter law.  We can never exceed the moral position and ethical actions of heartfelt honesty.