Pastoral Musings
The Meditations of My Heart
Self-evaluation
is a vital spiritual discipline which necessitates practice as often as prayer
and meditation. Examining my thoughts,
motives and expectations is very important particularly when I am in a conflict
with someone. Miscommunication often
emerges when someone is unclear about another person’s intentions and
expectations. A very spiritual Christian
sister whose walk with the Lord I highly respect often suggests immediate
withdrawal in a personal conflict. One
day at work, she listened attentively as a colleague unleashed a verbal barrage
of personal instead of principled criticism against their superior, the
executive principal. The disgruntled
coordinator of curriculum’s words equate with character assassination. In response, my Christian sister’s strongly
suggested to her colleague that she take time to reflect and determine what is
really disturbing her. Conceivably, the
actions of the principal veil an inner turmoil.
Is there any justification for the extreme emotion and personal nature
of her “criticism?” Have misguided
questions and unprincipled gossip contributed to her dissatisfaction? What is the real issue that requires her
mental and emotional energy and practical actions? Do the policies and procedures of this anal
retentive and extremely exacting principal coerce the curriculum coordinator to
face latent fears and incapacities?
The
latter administrator had become accustomed to a lack of accountability as the
previous principal operated professionally as a combination between Lieutenant
Colombo and Mr. Magoo, the quintessence of an efficient affable oaf. Yet, practicing the vital spiritual
discipline of self-evaluation enables a person to shift through the morass of
emotions and issues to define what is meaningful. In many instances, you discover someone who
irritates you has simply rekindled an unresolved conflict or character defect. Instead of forging ahead with unrelenting and
unprincipled criticisms of other people, it is best to accept the
unmanageability in our lives and cultivate the willingness to change and grow. Eventually, the curriculum coordinator was
terminated as her peers discovered many incomplete tasks she had hidden for
more than a year. Her failure to
complete those assignments jeopardized the school’s continuance and created
potential legal liabilities. Rather than
disparaging her superior who simply wanted her to do her job, the curriculum
coordinator could have learned a lot from the executive principal has she been
willing to examine herself.
My
foregoing Christian sister also had an opportunity to speak with another
colleague who exhibits a stench of superiority towards practically anyone he
encounters but specifically those persons with whom he works. As the only male in the senior administration
with a law degree and certified public accountant credentials, he deems the
intellect, talents and abilities of the women with whom he works to be
decidedly inferior to his. He rarely
foregoes a chance to condescend or critique their contributions and ideas. Usually, his criticism equals “Had you simply
asked me before you formed that thought, spoken that idea or pursued that path,
I would have given you the correct answer, concept or action.” This gentleman is particularly demeaning
towards the woman who works most closely with him. He treats her as if she were an indentured
servant rather than a subordinate. One
day, he shared with my Christian sister that he does not understand his
inability to achieve greater professional and financial success and attain
requisite promotions to achieve those goals.
Given his education, lengthy work experience and the skills he
possesses, he really cannot comprehend the zigzagging he has done in the work
force. Persons with less to offer have
obtained more than he has. As he seems
incapable of considering his arrogant attitude and behavior toward people, he
remains stilted in his career. His
resume resembles a quilt with patches of middle management jobs instead of a
mosaic depicting the progressively refined contributions of a committed
professional.
In
reply to his question, my Christian sister not surprisingly encouraged him to
examine himself. She stated a
self-evident fact; he is the least common denominator in all of his work
experiences. Perhaps, there is something
in his character and behavior that impedes his professional progress. Can he
realistically expect people to advance him professionally and financially when
he demonstrates total disregard towards their personhood and in turn the
humanity of the people whom they love.
Does he think his indifference would not have any consequences? Carl Gustav Jung, the founder of analytical
and depth psychology, posits that a person’s refusal to evaluate his “shadow”
explains a pattern of self-sabotaging behavior.
“A man who is possessed by his own
shadow is always standing in his own light and falling into his own traps. Wherever possible, he prefers to make an
unfavorable impression on others. In the
long run, luck is always against him, because he is living below his own level
and at best only attains what does not suit him. And if there is no doorstep for him to
stumble over, he manufactures one for himself and then fondly believes he has
done something useful.” Self-evaluation
coupled with genuine willingness to change and grow is the surest remedy for
such intractable character defect.
As
a Pastor who feels stifled in ministry, I must apply the foregoing
counsel. In addition to weekly spiritual
direction and counseling, I cultivate the “secret disciplines of spirituality”
to prevent my character defects and personal incapacities from inhibiting the
progress of my ministry. An anonymous
author posits interpersonal conflicts are actually intrapersonal; “whenever we
are at odds with someone else it usually means we fail to accept an internal
deficiency which requires immediate action.”
As I deal with congregants with whom I experience any conflicts, I
remember to consider primarily that I may be contributing negatively to any
disagreement. Sometimes, people simply
“push your buttons” thereby causing anger and other unproductive emotions. As the church is a family, relationships
within the congregation often mirror the origins of our childhood family systems. Oftentimes, many unresolved skirmishes rise
from the low-burning ashes of memory. I
suggest the faithful practice of spiritual disciplines is a formidable method
of healing past pain that inadvertently affects present situations. Specifically, journaling using John
Bradshaw’s method of writing healing and protective letters to my inner child
remains an effective means of healing.
Collegially, I suggest you consider this strategy as a way of overcoming
the adverse possibilities of your shadow.
Prior
to marriage, I had a chance yet significant conversation with a Deacon in the
church where I served as Assistant Pastor.
At a coffee hour in the parlor following an average Sunday morning
worship service, he and I began to discuss marriage. He gave me some of the most sagacious marital
advice I have ever received. The Deacon
shared with me that his wife only makes breakfast for him on the weekend. During the week, she leaves him to fend for
himself as she works a full-time job just as he does. He developed the habit of eating cold cereal
and other items that are easy to prepare and quick to consume. On Saturdays and Sundays, his wife enhances
his breakfast with grits, eggs, bacon, homemade biscuits, freshly brewed coffee
and other hot items. He told me that the
moral of the story is their willingness to respect each other by establishing a
way of relating and meeting each other’s need specifically for the two of
them. Whereas other people may observe
their practices and criticize them, this Deacon and his wife would summarily
ignore their feedback. As husband and
wife, they resolve to accept and respect each other without the consent and
approval of other people. Knowing that
my marriage was imminent, this Deacon strongly recommended that my future wife
and I similarly find “what works for the two of you. If it works for the two of you, you have what
you need. No one else needs to say
anything.”
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