Pastoral Musings
The Meditations of My Heart - Part II
We
waste immeasurable mental and emotional energy considering the thoughts of
countless nameless and insignificant people.
The Deacon further said, “It takes two people to make a marriage
work. When the two of you are satisfied,
then you are successful in your marriage.
In the twenty years of our relationship and eighteen years of our
marriage, my wife and I continually concur with “Deac’s sage outlook.” His counsel exceeds the worth of innumerable
books offering the keys to successful and fruitful marriage. Respect, trust and communication are three
foundational pillars of any meaningful and vibrant relationship. Should any of these three factors begin to
diminish, it is only a matter of time before the relationship suffers severe harm
or even severs. Moreover, the Deacon’s
thoughts suggest acceptance which is the fourth pillar. Persons who enjoy the existential riches and
experiential rewards of long-term relationships whether personal or
professional learn to accept people as they are. Waiting
for people to change in the ways in which you think best results in dissolution
of relationships. People rarely change;
usually a major life crisis coerces changes in character and behavior. Even when absolutely necessary, many people
resist the challenges that accompany change.
The familiarity of a known pathology seems preferable to the potential
benefits of a healthy but uncertain future.
Nevertheless, acceptance eradicates fallacious demands for change to
satisfy self-centered fears and self-seeking motives. Acceptance of another person is not
synonymous with ignoring their character defects and incapacities. It is a willingness to love and respect their
personhood as they grow spiritually and develop personally however
glacially. Acceptance allows people to
become the very best children of God of which they are capable notwithstanding
their defects of character and internal weaknesses. As a husband and wife extend such
graciousness and generosity to each other, they undoubtedly will grow together
over a long period of time. At a coffee
hour nearly two decades ago, a Deacon in a Baptist church shared with me one of
the essential attributes in a long-term relationship and marriage within his
musings about breakfast.
Being
at odds with various congregants is very disheartening for a pastor. As servant leaders in the Church, clergy have
a profound inner need to be needed and appreciated. When the people whom you are called to serve
appear indifferent to your labors of love, it genuinely hurts. One response to this pain is to appease your
naysayers with the hope they will learn to like you if not even begin to love
you. However, resentment builds slowly
but forcibly when you curry favor with people.
Interestingly, this resentment is mutual as you disdain them for having
to compromise yourself and they disparage you for a lack of self-respect. Honesty and integrity are the most effective
remedies to this dilemma. Increasing
during the quarter of a century that I have served in ordained ministry, I am
of the opinion that people like you or they do not. There is very little if any control you may
have over people’s opinions of you. In
fact, a friend of mine recently reminded me over breakfast at our favorite
diner, “Other people’s opinion of you is not your business. Besides, you will not be able to establish
worthwhile relationships with everyone in your congregation.” Accordingly, “To thine own self be
true.”
Detaching
emotionally and refusing to personalize every incident is necessary to maintain
a healthy and balances perspective in relationships. As a pastor, it is easy to take offense
regarding each breach of protocol or lapse of procedure. Do young adult choir members understand their
behavior when they arrive five minutes before singing and then leave the
sanctuary as you rise to ascend the rostrum and preach? Do the most vocal members of the church see
the inconsistency between their protestations and their protracted lack of
service and giving? Do congregants see
the ethical and spiritual problems with making decisions about the use of the
Church’s financial resources when you do not contribute? What about leaders who rarely attend weekly
worship services, do not come to Sunday School, and are always absent from
Bible study and prayer meeting?
Moreover, how do you respond to persons who blatantly insult your
intelligence but act as if they have not?
More frustrating are the people who observe these insults but fail to
say anything. Once, a congregant call to
inform me that I was not doing my job.
She based her assessment of my performance on the “what she had been
hearing from multiple persons who she trusts and believes.” This woman has not been present in worship
for nearly a year. Nonetheless, when I
offered her evidence to contradict the rumors and innuendoes she heard, she
flatly refuse to consider it. Rather,
she insisted she would believe what she has heard as she trusts the persons
with whom she had been speaking. Should
I personalize these circumstances, I would easily and quickly become a bitter,
cynical and ineffective pastor.
Anger
usually fuels over-personalizing situations that do not warrant the fierce
emotions. As a consequence, you are
prone to say and do things that ultimately undermine you. Years ago, I cultivated a “twenty-four hours
rule” relating to anger. If I became incensed
by something someone had said or did, I would withhold my anger
internally. I strove for restraint of
pen and tongue. The passage of a full
day enabled me to distill my authentic emotions thereby protecting me from
melodrama and megalomania. If I were
still angry, I had a better perspective on actual details and practical reality
instead of a view clouded by my gall to extract revenge for the insult to which
I was convinced I had been subjected.
This practice enduringly serves me well as I am not caught in the
crossfires of miscommunication and misinterpretation when I withdraw and distance
myself from blazing feelings. Simply
put, I am cultivating a cruise control within my mind, heart and character to
depersonalize each situation. As I
develop this spiritual discipline, I am better able serve the needs of congregants.
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