Pastoral Musings
Three Attributes of a Pastor’s Heart - Part II
Empathy
additionally helps you to depersonalize emotionally volatile situations. Too often, the foregoing intrapersonal issues
blindside me into personalizing ideas, thoughts and actions and finding offense
when none was intended. If I am not
vigilant in practicing self-restraint and other spiritual disciplines, I lapse
into emotional exaggeration thereby parsing every word for any latent
disrespect. Unresolved childhood anger
and pain fuel this intensity. Easily, I
engage in machine gun dialogues.
Molehills immediately become mountains.
Dormant emotional volcanoes spontaneously ignite and spew forth deadly
verbal lava however eloquent and poetic.
As a Pastor, I am learning to depersonalize every situation. I seek to defuse any occurrence of excessive
and wayward emotions. I try to distance
myself from the circumstances by reminding myself of the enduring maxim “Anger
turns off the light in the mind.” Honestly,
I admit that some words and actions of congregants really hurt. Equally truthfully, I am learning to process
them without allowing these occurrences to wound me. I believe in the right of free expression;
“Live and Let Live.” The congregant who
does not like my preaching style and sermonic approach has the right to leave
worship and seek homiletical delivery more suited to his or her taste. Humbly, I acknowledge that I will not be able
to reach everyone. As I depersonalize
and withdraw from emotion to practice self-evaluation, I can best differentiate
legitimate issues in real time instead of confusing childhood issues unrelated
experiences. As I more greatly empathize
with people, I can best determine authentically how to best relate to them and
in turn serve them as a Pastor.
Inexplicably,
many congregants in local churches throughout the country and world disdain the
office of Pastor. It does not matter who
occupies the position, this group of disgruntled parishioners contest
everything the Pastor says and does.
Sadly, few people recognize ordained clergypersons as members of a
learned guild similar to physicians, attorneys, engineers, accountants and
teachers. The professional graduate
degree for ministers is a masters of divinity which requires three years of
full-time study; it is the same study requirement that lawyers fulfill and more
than other learned professionals. But,
religion and music are two fields in which average people believe their opinions
equate with those of formally educated and trained professionals. In fact, some people presume their opinions
exceed the perspectives of career specialists.
Erroneously, longstanding congregants discard a Pastor’s thoughts
because they resolve their years of church attendance surpass anything he or
she may have learned in seminary. This
arrogant ignorance justifies their disdain for the Office of Pastor and the
person holding the position. In the five
churches where I have served in my twenty-five years of ordained ministry, I
consistently observe this bewildering phenomenon in the local church
setting. Accordingly, I am learning to
separate my professional position as Pastor from my genuine personality. There are congregants who really do not
dislike me; actually they disdain the office I occupy. Something within them coerces them to oppose
anything I say or do. If I personalize
their contempt for my role as Pastor, I worsen relationships throughout the
congregation. As I resist the fallacy of
cultivating a public persona thereby compartmentalizing my professional and
personal hemispheres, I serve all congregants as authentically as I can. I do not change my personality to conform to
unreasonable and irrational expectations.
Being true to myself and serving from the wells of my genuine character,
I offer ministry as the Lord leads me.
To do so, I depersonalize these intractable occurrences of wounded
people with long-term unresolved issues.
Accepting
personal as they are and life on its terms is another effective means of
depersonalizing potentially emotionally explosive situations. One author posits we experience daily peace to
the direct proportion with which we are willing to accept reality. Mental and psychological turmoil are the
result of insisting that people satisfy our personal preferences. Life does not bend toward our self-seeking desires. People who dislike the Office of Pastor and
in turn the person who occupies position exist in every church. Variables such socio-economic strata, race,
culture, creed, denomination or formal education prove powerless to mitigate or
eliminate this hardened reality of serving in pastoral ministry. Working within these adversities parallels
avoiding potholes on neighborhood streets.
Potholes are simply a fact of life for any driver. In the City of New York where I serve and
reside, the need to realign and balance your car every several thousand miles
is another reality metropolitan drivers face.
Failure to do so eventuates in expensive and extensive automobile
repairs. These unpredictable costs
adversely affects your household budget; thereby creating financial chaos. Not surprisingly, fear and dread accompany these
monetary challenges. Should I refuse to
accept naysayers in my congregation and willingly forgive their incapacities,
as a Pastor, I will not enjoy my calling, service and job. I will be forthrightly honesty with people. I live with as much integrity as I am
capable. I will be open-minded. I will accept additionally that people can change. “People will surprise you if you let them.” I willingly accept people as they tell me who
they are.
Today,
I pause to consider and remind myself of three essential pastoral
attributes. First, I ask the Holy Spirit
for an increasingly willingness to empathize with the pain and suffering of persons
whom I serve. Empathy prevents judgment,
condescension and indifference. Second,
as I realize unresolved childhood pain adversely afflicts many
congregants. Regrettably, they target
some of this anguish toward the Office of Pastor and the person who occupies the
position. However undeserving a Pastor
is of this unfortunate occurrence, he best serves the Lord, his congregants and
himself by depersonalize these situations.
Third, a Pastor further depersonalizes conflicts when he
straightforwardly accepts the entrenched complexities, ironies and inconsistencies
of parish relationships. He additionally
resists the fallacy of being offended easily by the unfortunate actions of
severely wounded people. Summarily, empathy,
depersonalization and acceptance are three non-negotiable characteristics for
my pastoral heart.
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